Dispatches from the Suburbs of Hell

Heaven is for the obedient. Hell is for the wrathful. What of the ones in between? We wind up in the Suburbs. Our sin is individuality. Our punishment is boredom. But at least we're in good company.

Location: New England, United States

Monday, March 19, 2007

Open Letter to Alton Verm

Dear Mr. Verm;

First of all, I'd like to applaud your recent efforts to ensure a safe and decent school environments for our children. Thanks to yourself, our children need never be exposed to such horrible ideas such as cursing or substance abuse in the world of literature. Truly, you are a credit to your community and your religion. If we had more people like you, the world would definitely be a far different place.

While I have no doubt you are a virtuous and vigilant parent, I feel it is my duty to bring another book to your attention. This is a work just filled with filth and objectionable material, and it can be found in every bookstore and every library in the United States, just waiting for some poor innocent child's unsuspecting eyes. I'm sure a dedicated watchdog of public decency like yourself is aware of this book. It's called the Holy Bible.

Now, I thought to follow your example, and enumerate every instance of objectionable or imitative behavior to be found in the book, but I was aghast to discover that there are simply too many to list easily. So I've put together a list of the worst instances:

Genesis 3:6 - disobedience of authority figures
Genesis 9:21 - drunkeness
Exodus 1:12 - rebellion against authority figures
Judges 19:25 - Rape, extramarital sex, and murder
Ruth 3:10 - seduction
1st Samuel 28:7 - witchcraft
1st Samuel 31:4 - suicide
2nd Samuel 13:14 - incest
1st Kings 11:3 - polygamy, extramarital sex
Esther 5:8 - seduction, murder
Job 23:16 - opposition to God, taking God's name in vain

In fact, the Book of Job is just packed to the gills with imitable acts of disobedience against God! And all these prophets, with their arrogant behavior and defiance of authority figures, would no doubt encourage similiar behavior in the young impressionable minds of our youth! And don't even get me started on that Song of Solomon! The FILTH! FILTH I say!

Of course, defenders of this work of vile pornography will say that all these individual acts are beside the point. That, in fact, if you look at the Bible as a whole, you will see that each and every one of these things are part of a larger story, and a central theme which more than justifies the potential for offended sensibilities. But then, they said the same thing about Fahrenheit 451, didn't they? And you didn't let that stop you, no sir! You stood your ground and defended your right to make your local school a safe and clean place, where your children could grow up without being troubled by unpleasantries.

In light of this, Mister Verm, I hope you will join with me in petitioning to have the Bible banned from your community school. We certainly can't have our children's minds warped by complicated concepts and internal contradictions, and if you had the courage to call for the removal of Ray Bradbury's piece of dangerous liberal propaganda, I know you have the courage and the conviction to do the same for this far more offensive and dangerous book.

I eagerly await your reply.




Anonymous Portrait in Flesh said...

It isn't just the objectionable instances of moral laxity and turpitude that fill page after page after page in the Bible that threaten Our Children; the Bible offers a prime example of something far more damaging: poor writing. The characters are poorly developed, the dialogue stilted and cliched at best, and the plot and various subplots are poorly defined and resolved in haphazard and less than satisfactory ways, if at all.

Criminy, there isn't even a truly decent 'splosion or action sequence.

But if there is any irony here, Mr. Verm and his ilk certainly won't see it. Because looking up the definition of irony means they'd have to ::gasp:: open up another book that is riddled with all kinds of words that sometimes ::gasp gasp:: offer more than one interpretation for a single word.

And that could lead to all kinds of confusion.

10:53 PM, March 24, 2007  
Anonymous RealityBites said...

The religious never tire of proving to the rest of mankind why they should be segregated and banished from civilized humanity until their under-developed brain and complete lack of reasoning evolves at least up to chimpanzee level!

They say Mankind came from a supreme being… it’s obvious they have never looked in the mirror and seen the ape staring back at them like the rest of mankind sees.

2:33 PM, September 30, 2010  

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